My body and the little bean were not cooperating with each other. On December 6th I had a routine doctor's appt with my perinatologist Dr. Pan. I actually had the day off. And other than going to Subway for a veggie sandwich I did nothing but lay on the couch all day until my appt. at 2pm.
The funny thing is the baby had been pretty active the days before this and on this day I didn't feel it much. I was also amazed with how much I slept. I slept and slept. It was odd. I just figured I was tired.
I got to my appointment early and even sat in the lobby for a few minutes to calm myself in hopes of a decent blood pressure reading. When they took my BP it was 234/130. CRAZY HIGH. And remember I am almost maxed out on my meds. Dr. Pan did a sonogram and she said that it looked like the baby was not getting what it needed as the placenta was cutting off. In addition to this according to my urine tests my kidney and liver were starting to shut down.
The next thing I knew I was driving home in tears calling Joe and my Dad and telling them the baby is coming tomorrow. At 25 weeks.
My Dad picked me up at home and we picked up Joe at work and headed to the hospital to get checked in. My C-Section was scheduled for 4:3opm the next day. By 7pm I was settled in my hospital room. Tasha and Rob came by to see us. They had a fold out bed for Joe so he could sleep next to me. My Dad left and would be back for the C-section the next day.
Somewhere around 10:30pm I had an oxygen mask on my face and three nurses around me. I guess they had dropped my blood pressure so much that the baby didn't know what to do because it was so used to living with my high blood pressure. So it's heart rate dropped. At this point the nurses called Dr. Pan who deceided she would deliver the baby NOW. Dr. Posner the other perninatologist would also be there.
At this point they started prepping me for my C-Section. And I started to get scared. The bean is so little. I just want it to be ok. Joe called my Dad and told him what was going on so he could come back to the hospital. Just a bit later I was being wheeled to an operating room. They gave me an epidural to numb me from the waist down. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I was fine once it was in. Then I laid back down. They were playing Christmas music in the background. And I felt a small sense of calm. I was in and out and a little loopy.
The whole thing was about 30-40 minutes. I just remember a NICU doctor telling me MY SON came out breathing on his own and he was being rushed to the NICU. At that point I think Joe went up to the NICU and I was wheeled into recovery. Our baby was born at 12:12am on December 7, 2007. He was 1 pound 7 oz and exactly 12 inches long.
By 4am they moved me from the recovery room back to my hospital room. I dozed off from then to about 7am. By about 8am I realized I better make some phone calls. I sent a bulk text message it just seemed easier at the time.
"JAY KUMARAN SCHMETZER, who will lovingly be known as Jayan by his mom."
That morning there were a lot of visitors. My Dad and Laurina came. Everything was just surreal. I wasn't able to grasp all of it just yet. That afternoon they moved me to my new room and in doing so wheeled me up to the NICU to see the baby. My beautiful child was so small and tiny and fragile. But he was beautiful and he was mine. That evening my Dad came with Aunty Yaso, Uncle Sara, Siva Chithapa, Saro Mamy and Lalini Acca. It was nice to see them and as they left Aurelia and Anthony came.
On Saturday Kristen visited as did Vicky and Tom. Dharshi Acca, Yoga Anna, and Anisha also showed up. That night they gave me something to help me sleep. On Sunday Yvette, Angie, and Sharon came. My Dad and Satchi Chithapa also came. He brought yummy food from Lalini Acca.
By Monday I could feel myself getting depressed. The reality of everything was setting in. The baby, Joe, me, Insurance.... everything just seemed overwhelming. I felt so alone. But somehow when I went up to see the baby it all seemed to go away. Aunty Yaso and Aunty Komala also paid me a visit and honestly their timing couldn't have been better. I needed some sort of maternal figure to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that I was going to make it through this. And they did just that. That night Tasha, Rob, Kris, my Dad, and Joe were all with me. But I just wanted to get out of that room. I couldn't take another night in that bed.
By Tuesday I was so ready to go. It was probably the worst day. But before we left I spent a few hours in the NICU. I even got to help change Jayan's diaper. When I got home I had so many emotions inside of me. I just wanted to cry. I left my little child in the NICU to fight for himself. It just didn't seem right. I cried and cried that night. It needed to happen. I don't know if that was my bout with postpartum but it felt odd. Aunty Yaso came by with food and it was good to have her there. As soon as she left I could feel the sadness come back again. It didn't feel like me. I didn't sleep that night. All I could do was think of my son.
On Wednesday a friend picked me up and we went to the hospital so I could see the baby. We sat there for sometime by his side just talking quietly and looking at him. It felt so nice to be near him. That night we went back with my Dad and Laurina.
Thursday I went to see the baby in the morning on my own. I don't think I'm supposed to be driving but I needed to see my child. And then I went again in the evening.
Friday I set the alarm for 5am because I decided it was time to get on a pumping schedule. I woke up and pumped. And then spent the whole morning next to my son. I went back again in the evening. Today he got a picc line which means they could pull the IV out of his umbilical cord. He also got another echo on his heart and it looks like the tiny hole might be closing on it's own!!
SO here we are. Jayan is one week old. I never knew I could love something so much. It's unexplainable. He's in my thoughts all the time and I long for the day I can hold him and tell him how much I love him. These next few long weeks will teach me patience. Up until now no one could really teach it to me. But this little person who came from inside of me is going to teach me so many things. I just know it.
I love you so much Jayan. You are my little fighter.
The funny thing is the baby had been pretty active the days before this and on this day I didn't feel it much. I was also amazed with how much I slept. I slept and slept. It was odd. I just figured I was tired.
I got to my appointment early and even sat in the lobby for a few minutes to calm myself in hopes of a decent blood pressure reading. When they took my BP it was 234/130. CRAZY HIGH. And remember I am almost maxed out on my meds. Dr. Pan did a sonogram and she said that it looked like the baby was not getting what it needed as the placenta was cutting off. In addition to this according to my urine tests my kidney and liver were starting to shut down.
The next thing I knew I was driving home in tears calling Joe and my Dad and telling them the baby is coming tomorrow. At 25 weeks.
My Dad picked me up at home and we picked up Joe at work and headed to the hospital to get checked in. My C-Section was scheduled for 4:3opm the next day. By 7pm I was settled in my hospital room. Tasha and Rob came by to see us. They had a fold out bed for Joe so he could sleep next to me. My Dad left and would be back for the C-section the next day.
Somewhere around 10:30pm I had an oxygen mask on my face and three nurses around me. I guess they had dropped my blood pressure so much that the baby didn't know what to do because it was so used to living with my high blood pressure. So it's heart rate dropped. At this point the nurses called Dr. Pan who deceided she would deliver the baby NOW. Dr. Posner the other perninatologist would also be there.
At this point they started prepping me for my C-Section. And I started to get scared. The bean is so little. I just want it to be ok. Joe called my Dad and told him what was going on so he could come back to the hospital. Just a bit later I was being wheeled to an operating room. They gave me an epidural to numb me from the waist down. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I was fine once it was in. Then I laid back down. They were playing Christmas music in the background. And I felt a small sense of calm. I was in and out and a little loopy.
The whole thing was about 30-40 minutes. I just remember a NICU doctor telling me MY SON came out breathing on his own and he was being rushed to the NICU. At that point I think Joe went up to the NICU and I was wheeled into recovery. Our baby was born at 12:12am on December 7, 2007. He was 1 pound 7 oz and exactly 12 inches long.
By 4am they moved me from the recovery room back to my hospital room. I dozed off from then to about 7am. By about 8am I realized I better make some phone calls. I sent a bulk text message it just seemed easier at the time.
"JAY KUMARAN SCHMETZER, who will lovingly be known as Jayan by his mom."
That morning there were a lot of visitors. My Dad and Laurina came. Everything was just surreal. I wasn't able to grasp all of it just yet. That afternoon they moved me to my new room and in doing so wheeled me up to the NICU to see the baby. My beautiful child was so small and tiny and fragile. But he was beautiful and he was mine. That evening my Dad came with Aunty Yaso, Uncle Sara, Siva Chithapa, Saro Mamy and Lalini Acca. It was nice to see them and as they left Aurelia and Anthony came.
On Saturday Kristen visited as did Vicky and Tom. Dharshi Acca, Yoga Anna, and Anisha also showed up. That night they gave me something to help me sleep. On Sunday Yvette, Angie, and Sharon came. My Dad and Satchi Chithapa also came. He brought yummy food from Lalini Acca.
By Monday I could feel myself getting depressed. The reality of everything was setting in. The baby, Joe, me, Insurance.... everything just seemed overwhelming. I felt so alone. But somehow when I went up to see the baby it all seemed to go away. Aunty Yaso and Aunty Komala also paid me a visit and honestly their timing couldn't have been better. I needed some sort of maternal figure to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that I was going to make it through this. And they did just that. That night Tasha, Rob, Kris, my Dad, and Joe were all with me. But I just wanted to get out of that room. I couldn't take another night in that bed.
By Tuesday I was so ready to go. It was probably the worst day. But before we left I spent a few hours in the NICU. I even got to help change Jayan's diaper. When I got home I had so many emotions inside of me. I just wanted to cry. I left my little child in the NICU to fight for himself. It just didn't seem right. I cried and cried that night. It needed to happen. I don't know if that was my bout with postpartum but it felt odd. Aunty Yaso came by with food and it was good to have her there. As soon as she left I could feel the sadness come back again. It didn't feel like me. I didn't sleep that night. All I could do was think of my son.
On Wednesday a friend picked me up and we went to the hospital so I could see the baby. We sat there for sometime by his side just talking quietly and looking at him. It felt so nice to be near him. That night we went back with my Dad and Laurina.
Thursday I went to see the baby in the morning on my own. I don't think I'm supposed to be driving but I needed to see my child. And then I went again in the evening.
Friday I set the alarm for 5am because I decided it was time to get on a pumping schedule. I woke up and pumped. And then spent the whole morning next to my son. I went back again in the evening. Today he got a picc line which means they could pull the IV out of his umbilical cord. He also got another echo on his heart and it looks like the tiny hole might be closing on it's own!!
SO here we are. Jayan is one week old. I never knew I could love something so much. It's unexplainable. He's in my thoughts all the time and I long for the day I can hold him and tell him how much I love him. These next few long weeks will teach me patience. Up until now no one could really teach it to me. But this little person who came from inside of me is going to teach me so many things. I just know it.
I love you so much Jayan. You are my little fighter.
6 comments:
Oh, Ana. :hugehugs: Jayan IS a fighter. He is getting that form his momma.
Ana,
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you. It sounds like you have a great support system in place.. your dad and Joe.. wow! And all your aunties. Jayan has such a great family. Thank you so much for the updates.
Take care of you so you can take care of that sweet little one.
:cry:
Take care of yourself, Ana. I know it's so very hard and I caught myself running around so much in the beginning that I ended up with some complications. You don't want anything that will have you miss seeing him for even one day. :hug:
As for insurance...Jayan qualifies for Medicaid because he was born weighing less than two lbs. It will cover every penny of his hospital bills. Call me and I can tell you how I went about sorting it out.
You are in my thoughts CONSTANTLY. :hug:
Sweetie, Niki is right. You must take care of yourself. It is so hard leaving them every day. You feel like you need to be there. I was an hour and a half away and could only spend an hour or two every day. Try not to be depressed. Take it one day at a time. You will have your ups and downs, good days and bad. Do find someone to talk to sweetie. It will help!
Anu has called him Little Bean, this Auntie (Usha) will sometimes call him Peanut, Little Peanut, and Sweet Pea...
WE LOVE YOU LITTLE PEA! PLEASE TELL YOUR MOM THAT WE WANT MORE PHOTOS!
Love,
Usha Auntie, and Uncle Diksha
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